Thank you for your courage in writing this. That feeling of being "broken open" is one of the hardest places to be. I wanted to offer a few thoughts from the outside. It's taken me a while to parse this and I had to read it a couple times, so bear with me if this doesn't sound coherent 🙂
First, don't worry about your counsellor. You're not a burden; you are the work she has chosen and trained for. You are fulfilling her purpose; helping you is giving her meaning. Seeing the whole picture fills her toolbox her to help you find the gold in the mine of your past.
Second, I dig your kintsugi metaphor. Right now, you might feel like shattered pottery, but this process isn't the end. This is the moment before the beautiful repair, and sometimes you have to be broken open for the light to get in. Yeah, you might come out with glue on your fingers, but all that work you did before wasn't for nothing. It's what made you strong enough to face this. This is part of the process, not a reset to the beginning.
Finally, that voice telling you others have it worse: tell it to get rekt. It's not a pain contest. Your pain is valid, and you are the only person you need to be focusing on healing right now.
That last part (that you can identify trauma brain) is the winning ticket. That's proof this is working.
I can really relate to the feelings you shared here.
It's been about 8 years now since I sat and went through the same process and received my CPTSD diagnosis and I'm not going to lie and say that there haven't been many more times since that I've felt my trauma ripped open like this, but I know myself and my traumatized parts so much better now and I am finally in a place where I know the difference between who I really am and who my trauma makes me believe I am.
It gets better, and then harder again, but with every journey through the depths, you get to know yourself and what you need to be able to keep moving forward towards becoming a whole and complete person. Or at least a collection of yous that can coexist and live a fulfilling life, despite the trauma. ❤️🔥
Thank you for sharing this. Such profound questions that you will answer in your counselling journey with someone who will always feel privaleged to get to know you deeper, to hear how you processed and made sense of those traumas. I and so many others, love you. Not just for the magnificence you shine upon us (though you don't accept the truth of that), but also for the vulnerability, courage, tenacity and so much more that we get to have glimpses of. Let me and others you love, know how and what we can do to support the journey. I love you. And I always worried about the "good girl" XXXXXX
Thank you for your courage in writing this. That feeling of being "broken open" is one of the hardest places to be. I wanted to offer a few thoughts from the outside. It's taken me a while to parse this and I had to read it a couple times, so bear with me if this doesn't sound coherent 🙂
First, don't worry about your counsellor. You're not a burden; you are the work she has chosen and trained for. You are fulfilling her purpose; helping you is giving her meaning. Seeing the whole picture fills her toolbox her to help you find the gold in the mine of your past.
Second, I dig your kintsugi metaphor. Right now, you might feel like shattered pottery, but this process isn't the end. This is the moment before the beautiful repair, and sometimes you have to be broken open for the light to get in. Yeah, you might come out with glue on your fingers, but all that work you did before wasn't for nothing. It's what made you strong enough to face this. This is part of the process, not a reset to the beginning.
Finally, that voice telling you others have it worse: tell it to get rekt. It's not a pain contest. Your pain is valid, and you are the only person you need to be focusing on healing right now.
That last part (that you can identify trauma brain) is the winning ticket. That's proof this is working.
I can really relate to the feelings you shared here.
It's been about 8 years now since I sat and went through the same process and received my CPTSD diagnosis and I'm not going to lie and say that there haven't been many more times since that I've felt my trauma ripped open like this, but I know myself and my traumatized parts so much better now and I am finally in a place where I know the difference between who I really am and who my trauma makes me believe I am.
It gets better, and then harder again, but with every journey through the depths, you get to know yourself and what you need to be able to keep moving forward towards becoming a whole and complete person. Or at least a collection of yous that can coexist and live a fulfilling life, despite the trauma. ❤️🔥
Thank you for sharing this. Such profound questions that you will answer in your counselling journey with someone who will always feel privaleged to get to know you deeper, to hear how you processed and made sense of those traumas. I and so many others, love you. Not just for the magnificence you shine upon us (though you don't accept the truth of that), but also for the vulnerability, courage, tenacity and so much more that we get to have glimpses of. Let me and others you love, know how and what we can do to support the journey. I love you. And I always worried about the "good girl" XXXXXX
We got you. 🧡